I’ve done what I consider a lot of work over the past few years to mitigate my anxiety and rewire my brain so I can show up in the world in a way that consistently (keyword for marketing and life: consistency!) reflects my values and who I am, or at least who I’m trying to be. I measure my days in how much peace I feel at the end.

You know, those mid-life reflection moments that make women over 40 more dangerous to the status quo than their younger counterparts. I meditate every morning, move my body regularly (some call it working out), eat nutritious food, drink less alcohol, volunteer, write — and a bunch of other magical practices I won’t go into now. All of this helps me keep going.

Perhaps you have your own version of this. Or not. No judgment. But do you ever get overcome by the desire to dig your heels in and disappear into a wrinkle in time so you can actually rest? Or at least just MAKE IT STOP for a minute? I’m not talking time travel, I’m talking disappearing into a void. (I would need to be at least partially aware of it, so I can enjoy being there — but unclear how this experience would actually materialize.)

Or is that just me?

This feeling hit me hard this week. Like, real hard.

I felt all of my daily tasks on top of my life and relationship goals, not to mention the sh*tstorm we’re in globally, coalescing toward me at lightening speed. I envied the social acceptance toddlers get for tantrums. Whyyy can’t things just be different? Whyyy do I have to do this? Isn’t there someone else who can figure this out for me?? Who even cares anyways — the world’s on fire and people are suffering!!

Instead, I shut my computer (it was 1:30pm and I had a client meeting at 2pm) and curled up into a ball hugging my Frida Kahlo pillow on a portion of my sectional that now lives in my home office, and willed it to happen. (This is an improvement from 10, okay five, years ago when I would project all my abandonment issues onto the person closest in proximity.) I figured, there’s plenty “super” natural things happening all the time, why not this? Why can’t I just escape to another realm for a MINUTE. Or more. Whatever works. PLEASE, universe. Just help me do this. Please.

But no. Time kept barreling on. As it does now…and now…and now. Cue the philosophical thought bubble about the meaning of life. The only way out is through…blah, blah, blah. *Big sigh.* As I mention to anyone who will listen, I’ve been watching How the Universe Works on HBO and highly recommend it if you’re looking for a great escape that’s also science. Peep the spacetime episode. In the end, I was only two minutes late to my client call and not even the last one there, so it’s fine. I can’t say it really solved anything, but I did feel a little better.

As I write this I’m partially procrastinating on some of the tasks that led to said crisis, but also feeling good because it’s been a few months since I posted anything here. So this feels like a win. And a bit of a catharsis.

If you’re here, thanks for reading. If you can relate, I see you. And in case you’ve managed to find a way into the void, please send me an email. I have info to trade if necessary. 😉

I recently heard about a group that meets up in Prospect Park to scream together at the top of their lungs, so I may try that out. Will report back, if so. Until then, stay moving!